How to Be Single After a Long Relationship

How to be single after a long relationship - woman sitting by bed alone
How to be single after a long relationship - woman sitting by bed alone

It is normal to feel as if your world has come to an end. You and your ex did everything together. You:

  • Spent your holidays with one another’s families
  • Had your secret language and shared each other’s passwords
  • Went on holidays together
  • May have even spoke about getting married

The end of a long-term relationship can feel as if someone has pulled the ground out from beneath you. You previously didn’t have enough hours in the day to get everything done, but now, it feels like you have all the time in the world: too much time.

All of a sudden, you have no one to share with exciting news or when something goes wrong. Some things that had become routine as a result of the relationship will cease.

You will suddenly realize how much time and effort you had invested in one person. Indeed, you will wonder if it’s possible that you will ever have that kind of connection with another person ever again.

Well, we are here to assure you that it is not only possible, but there is also a whole world for you to discover now.

Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you think you have been buried, but you have been planted

Being single isn’t bad

When you have been in a relationship for a long time, you forget how to be single.

The more time you spend in a relationship, the more you might find yourself associating singlehood with insecurity, unhappiness and loneliness, even ugliness. This could not be further from the truth.

Being single the right way

Being single is different. What was fun when you were in a relationship (staying in a lot for example) won't be fun when you are single.

Instead it's about having fun, while also accepting and experiencing new things, ideas and people.

Research increasingly suggests that single people have stronger social networks than couples, and they are more likely to spend more time on leisure activities than people who have coupled up.

Another study by the University of California suggested that single people tend to experience more psychological growth and development than people who are married.

Research by the University of Auckland found that single people are just as happy as those who have coupled up.

The point is not to compare single people with people in relationships. It is to show you that there is nothing to dread.

As you can see, the notion that single-hood is associated with reduced life satisfaction is unfounded.

Here is a roadmap to help you embrace your newfound singledom

Being single leaves room for many opportunities: you will meet new people and get to work on what you really want in life.

You will gain much insight for anything that tries to tackle you in life. You will learn what you want in a relationship, how to love and how you want to be loved.

1. Let go of the baggage from your relationship

Letting go of a long relationship is complicated no matter what the reasons of the breakup were. Questions like, ‘Why’, ‘How’, ‘If’, ‘What went wrong’, and ‘Is there something wrong with me?’ will naturally plague your mind. Although you can never be faultless in a breakup, it is crucial that you stop blaming yourself.

Own your part in the breakup but come to a place where you need to stop dwelling on the past and waddling in self-hate or criticism. Bear in mind that we all make mistakes in life. Cry and move on. You should be determined to start strong on your journey to singledom free from any negative images of yourself.

When you do meet someone new you want to be free from any baggage that might be detrimental to your future relationships. Take deliberate measures to deal with issues from your past relationship that make you insecure, suspicious, reactive or afraid of intimacy.

It takes a strong person to be single in a world that is accustomed to settling for anything just to say they have something

2. Figure out who you are

Over time, we all evolve and change. The process of change is quite natural and healthy, and essential for our growth and development. However, when you are in a committed relationship, you may not see the changes as clearly as when you are single.  

Even the most introspected person sees themselves differently when they are in a relationship. When you are single again, this is an opportunity to carry out a proper assessment of yourself.

  • How much have you changed since you got into your last relationship?
  • What are your dreams?
  • How have your circumstances changed?
  • Why did you choose your values?
  • How does a partner fit into your new life as you see it?
  • What do you really want out of life?

If you take the time to carry out this assessment, you will realize that a lot might have changed in your life a lot more than you realize.

Discover why you are important and refuse to settle for anyone who doesn’t completely agree

3. Become a healthy, stable you

After being in a relationship for a long time, it is necessary that you perform a dating detox. It is crucial that you take the time to heal.

Do you feel angry, sad, disappointed, hurt – feel all the whirlwind of emotions and work through them. This step is essential because it helps you close the door on this relationship and look forward to new possibilities that lie ahead.

Take the time to focus on yourself

In the relationship, you might have been focusing all your attention on your partner that you forgot how to prioritize yourself: your desires, your needs, your goals.

There is no better time to attempt things that you’ve meant to try, engage in activities that make you happy and accomplish things that are important to you.

If you seek paradise outside yourself, you will never have paradise in your heart

4. Have fun

You have an opportunity to spend more time with friends and family, meet new people, and try new and fun activities. Aim at genuinely loving and accepting yourself and to feel whole and happy on your own. Some of the activities you can undertake to bring you to a place of fulfilment include:

  • Spend time with friends and family
  • Have fun redecorating your house
  • Try something that challenges or scares you
  • Start a new hobby
  • Sign up for some group activities
  • Treat yourself to a new hairdo or a complete makeover
  • Flirt and flirt some more!

Single is an opportunity to live life on your own terms and not apologize

The journey that is ‘being single'

The process of leaving a relationship does not end the minute you utter the words. It is a long process that will spill over into the future.

Even if you are the one who called off the relationship, there are times you will hurt, times you will feel energized to start the next phase of your life, times you will doubt yourself, and times you just won’t know what to do.

You will require all your mental strength and quite a bit of time to adjust to the loss. Do not berate yourself if you find yourself missing your Ex or reaching for the phone to call or text them. It is all part of the process.

A whole new world…

The secret to how to be single after a long relationship is to, yes, learn the lessons but, engage in activities and adventures that you enjoy, and draw up new goals for yourself. There's plenty more time to do things for yourself, such as read.

Time will then become your ally, and it will help you heal. Hang in there and in a short while, things will become easier to do alone, and you will start enjoying your new found freedom.

The 4 Best Romance Novels for Lovers of Love

Isn’t it fantastic to get to live a thousand lifetimes in the span of one, experience all the ‘what ifs’ from the safety of your house and the warmth of your covers, step into the shoes of another person for a few pages, and eventually step back into your own once the journey is done, completely refreshed and rejuvenated?

ROMANCE REMAINS TO BE one of the most read genres. Romance stories present the readers with an opportunity to decompress. In the process, one will not only find relatable characters but also learn from their mistakes.

Romance stories are full of positive psychology. They are reassuring, and they train the mind to have positive expectations of the world.

Indeed, it has been determined that readers of romance novels are actually happier than other people.

When you read stories with a happy ending, you are inspired to keep optimistically working towards happiness in your own life. So without further ado, some of the outstanding romance novels that build this positive feelings include:

Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

If you are ready for action, sex, life, and death, Outlander is the story for you. But then be prepared to read the sequels. There are eight books in the series.

The year is 1945. Claire and Frank have been married for six years. However, they have not spent much time together because Frank was serving in the war while Claire worked as an army nurse aid. Claire and Frank have come to the Scottish Highlands for a second honeymoon. Frank has a deep interest in his Scottish roots, and he spends his time researching his ancestors while Claire pursues her interest in Botany.

Together, Frank and Claire travel to the standing stones, on the outskirts of the town to secretly observe the rituals that the town women perform.

This is where Claire enters the year 1743. Claire returns alone to the secret stones to retrieve a plant that she had seen earlier. Accidentally, she leans against one of the stones, and she is transported back in time to the raw highlands of Scotland. She stumbles into a man who greatly resembles her husband Frank, only that he is dressed in the costume of an eighteenth-century English army officer.

The man is Captain Jonathan Randall, Frank’s ancestor, the wicked ‘Black Jack’, whom Frank had told Claire about. Black Jack attempts to force himself on Claire, but Jamie, one of the Scotsmen rescues her. This is how Claire’s adventures in time travel start.

The prominent themes in Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander include:

  • Time travel
  • Magic and science
  • Ancestry
  • Love

You can get your copy here.

The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang

The Kiss Quotient is witty, sexy and a breath of fresh air. The story is about a strong, brilliant young woman Stella, who has autism. Stella is good with numbers, and she’s a highly successful economist.

Unfortunately, because of her condition, Stella struggles with social interactions and dating. When it comes to sex, it falls apart for Stella. Stella doesn’t enjoy sex, which leaves her convinced that she is just not good at it.

Unfortunately, Stella is under increasing pressure from her mother to settle down and start a family. In an effort to find a solution, Stella hires a male prostitute, Michael, to teach her everything about relationships and sex.

Michael is handsome, intelligent and highly talented. However, he finds himself in a difficult position. Once a week, for the past three years, he has been selling his body to make enough money to get out of massive debt that his father has left them in and support his mother who is undergoing Chemotherapy. Michael also has to hold his large family together after their father’s abandonment.

Amazingly, as different as the two are, they find that they have a connection that goes beyond their current circumstances. Michael seems to understand Stella better than other man she has been with, and it is exciting to watch them discover all the ways they are perfect for each other.

The central theme in The Kiss Quotient is the Exploration of the challenges of a woman living with autism. While her thoughts process may be slightly different, she still has the same fundamental needs and desire like everyone else. How does she manage to fulfill these needs despite the social awkwardness and other challenges that a person living with autism has to endure?

Get your copy here and find out.

Bared to you (From the Crossfire Series) by Sylvia Day

Bared To You is the first book in the Crossfire series. The story focuses on two protagonists with equally abusive pasts. Eva Trammels, a recent college graduate starts her life in New York City as an assistant to junior account manager at an advertising agency.

Eva is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and finds it difficult to overcome her past. On her first day to work, Eva comes across the most gorgeous man that she has ever met. This is the first of the many encounters with the man whom she finds out is Gideon Cross, a billionaire playboy.

At 28, Gideon is a mogul and corporate superstar who is intelligent and wealthy: he seems to own half of the buildings in New York City.  Gideon Cross is also a childhood sexual abuse survivor, and he is therefore emotionally damaged.

When the two meet, there is no question that the chemistry between Gideon and Eva is nuclear. Romance sparks between them that will test their emotional limits. As messed up as Gideon is, he tries his absolute best to be everything that Eva needs to be. Gideon and Eva realize that they can make it in their relationship as long as they have each other.

The underlying theme in the story is triumphant love. Sylvia successfully demonstrates that even people with messed up pasts can have functional relationships. Gideon, the strong, arrogant man evolves, becoming vulnerable and passionate. He works towards letting go of the guilt and hurt he feels from his past. Bared To You is an encouraging story on nonfunctional functionality.

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L James

Anastasia Steele is an English literature major at Washington University. Her roommate is scheduled to interview Christian Grey, a 27-year-old billionaire entrepreneur, for the college newspaper. When she falls ill, Anna agrees to conduct the interview in her place. Christian Grey is the year’s WSU, the commencement speaker.

Christian is a handsome, wealthy young man who has made his mark in the business world. However, Christian has a hidden life. Having been abused as a child and being introduced to the BDSM lifestyle, Christian can only have the dominant-submissive kind of a relationship.

On meeting Anna, he takes an instant interest in her. He makes Anna sign a non-disclosure agreement if she has to agree to be his submissive. Anna, who is not only intrigued but also immensely attracted to Christian, agrees to sign the agreement. Eventually, the two discover that they can actually pursue a real relationship

The underlying theme in the book is The Power of Love. Anna and Christian love each other, but their fears and personal issues will test their love.

The book also explores BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Masochism) and it has sparked the debate as to whether BDSM is abuse or just part of romance.

Many people have an opinion on it. Get a copy here and discover which one of your friends you agree with.

The Final Chapter

Romance novels are an excellent way to spend your quiet time and distress. They provide lessons about love to people of all ages: about understanding others, communicating with them and strengthening the relationships with our loved ones.

Once in a while, escape the monotony of your life by indulging in these and many other romance novels out there. Thanks for reading this guide on finding the best romance novel.

I Miss my Ex-boyfriend… Should I Get Back with My Ex?

I Miss my Ex-boyfriend Should I Get Back with My Ex - Man approaching woman at airport

BREAK UPS ARE emotionally draining. It's common to have many conflicting feelings.

In fact, everything can get so emotional that you may not know how to separate the logical part of your brain from the emotional part.

While some say that exes are exes for a reason, some people believe that the best person for you is the one that knows all your flaws.

So who is right in your circumstance?

There are two types of Exes: The one you hope never to see or speak to again; and the one whose number you have still saved in your phone’s contacts.

Is it a good idea to get back with your Ex?

Never say never. Sometimes, a little space is all you need to rejuvenate your relationship.

The essential thing is to go back into the relationship with your eyes wide open. For instance, you should not ignore previous problems and hope that everything will work out wonderfully the second time around.

If you are thinking of reuniting with your Ex-boyfriend, ask yourself the following questions.

1. Why did the two of you break up?

This is an important question that forces you to reflect on your previous relationship.

What was the common source of conflict? Was it because of:

  • One-off situation, like going out of state?
  • Serious but not critical like a personal crisis?
  • Critical like infidelity or abuse? You see, some of these issues are reconcilable, but others are huge deal breakers.

This question is critical because, unless you had initially broken up for a trivial reason, there was a deep-rooted cause that derailed the relationship the first time.

If you want to realize a different outcome, something must change, or history will end up repeating itself. This might actually be the only question that you need to ask to gain clarity.

2. Why do you want to get back together?

Yeah, why do you really want to get back together? Has the time apart made you realize that you are still in love your ex-boyfriend and that your relationship only lacked commitment, which you are keen to provide the second time around?

This is definitely a good reason to want your ex-boyfriend back.

But what if you only long for a romantic connection, or you want to fill the void? Or you fear that no one else will love you?

These are the wrong reasons for wanting to reconnect with your ex-boyfriend. If you reconnect with your ex-boyfriend, you must ensure that it is entirely for the right reasons.

I Miss my Ex-boyfriend Should I Get Back with My Ex - Man coming home after being away

3. What makes this second time different?

Why do you believe that the relationship will work this time around?

Have you grown since you called off the relationship? When you look at your, ex-boyfriend, does it seem like he has put effort into improving himself?  

If things are the same, then you can be sure that you will be headed for the same outcome.

4. Can you truly forgive each other?

To build a successful relationship this time around, you will have to forgive and forget certain situations.

If you still resent your ex-boyfriend and you cannot forget the past hurts, you cannot build a new future. Reflect on the past relationship and if you cannot forgive and move on it will not be wise to get back together.

When YOU SHOULD get back with your ex-boyfriend

Sometimes, you may have a legitimate reason for getting back together with your Ex-boyfriend. In fact, you should not reunite with your boyfriend unless you have a valid reason.

Let’s define legitimate

As much as each situation is unique, the following guidelines will help you to determine whether your reasons for getting back together are valid:

The breakup was a rash decision

You may have broken up for impulsive reasons. The two of you were happy most of the time you were together.

This means that the reason for breaking up did not span throughout the relationship. There is no perfect relationship, but imagine a situation where you got along well throughout the relationship, but had a huge fight and broke up. In such a case, it is worth trying the relationship again.

If your relationship ended because of a single experience, then you have a legitimate reason to want to try again.

You see potential in the relationship

You must be sure that you are not setting yourself up for failure. Do not embark on getting together just because you are obsessing over your ex-boyfriend.

Has your communication been great even during the breakup? Have you maintained respect for each other? Then, it is worth giving the relationship another attempt.

There is genuine remorse by both of you

Saying ‘sorry’ is not enough. For the relationship to succeed, the two of you must express heartfelt regret for the hurt that you previously caused each other.

The two of you must also take ownership of your actions together with their impacts even if the pain was not caused intentionally. Lastly, the two of you must be willing to make amends to repair the damage that you have created to avoid falling into old patterns.

You have a plan of action

Putting a plan of action in place is the most critical step in mending your relationship. Many couples skip this step and imagine that a single conversation is enough to fix their relationship. Without a plan in place, the likelihood is that you will set yourselves up for failure.

You especially need a plan if the relationship was plagued by severe issues: Abuse, addiction, cheating…. These are not things that the two of you can apologize for and move on. There must be a strategy in place to deal with them satisfactorily.

So, should you get back together?

If you are convinced that you should give your relationship a second chance, then go for it.

However, Start slow

Reach out to your ex-boyfriend and see if he is willing to meet you and have a conversation. Spend some time with him and determine whether you connect like you used to. You may discover that contrary to what you thought, your story together is just beginning.

Work out a mode of addressing past issues


Do not get stuck in the past. Do not spend your time revisiting every painful trauma from your previous relationship. Identify the issues that were deal breakers, commit to working on them for a time and then move forward.

Sex Tips for Women – A Shortened Guide for Even Happier Endings

Sex Tips for Women - Woman and man passionately kissing
Sex Tips for Women - Woman and man passionately kissing

There is nothing that is comparable to sex: the feeling is heavenly, and the tremor-inducing release of serotonin and other endorphins boosts your immune system and decreases anxiety and stress.

However, it has the potential to be both the most amazing or the most unfulfilling aspect of your life. It can be a source of ultimate pleasure or a frustrating, empty experience…

Research shows that not many women realize the full potential of sex:

A survey by Durex Sexual Wellbeing revealed that one in three women are turned off from sex. The study showed that these women feel that the kind of sex on offer is not really what excites them. According to Dr. Andres Pennington, even though all women are capable of having an orgasm: almost one in twenty women have never had one.

If you are not getting enough sex or the enjoyment that you know you deserve from sex, remember that sex is more than sexual chemistry. It is not easy to get sex right every time, but with a few tips and tricks, you can take your sexual experience to the next level.

So, how is your sex life? Are you doing it often? Are you doing it correctly? What else is there to try?

Here are some tips to ensure that your bedroom experience will be as pleasurable as possible for you and your man:

The Shortened Guide to Better Sex and other Sex Tips for Women

Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked his geography  

Robert Byrne

For men, sex is mostly a physical attraction, while for women it is an emotional connection. A woman must, therefore, go an extra mile and work on the man’s physical parts for a satisfactory sexual experience.

To optimize your sexual experience, appreciate your man’s prowess in bed and praise him. This will boost his ego and spike his desire for you by manifold.

The pressure of satisfying you may turn off your man’s desire. Do you want to eliminate this fear? Guide him to your erogenous spots and do so with caution without puncturing his self-esteem.

Never use sex as a bargaining tool. You are the only source of your man’s physical pleasure.

Sex: The thing that takes up the least of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

John Barrymore

A woman’s orgasm can last as long as twenty seconds whereas a man’s will be over the entire experience in just three minutes. Furthermore, a woman is capable of having multiple climaxes in a single romp.

How to prolong your orgasm

If your climaxes are too short, delay gratification by edging. Edging involves pulling back at the last moment when you near the orgasm. Repeating this process two or three times will build a longer more powerful orgasm.

Even though one in twenty women have never had an organism, every woman is capable of having an orgasm. Many women just have discovered how.

For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in their ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.

Isabel Allende

Your sexual malfunction is not in your mechanical part. Sex therapists assert that eighty percent of your orgasm is tied up with psychological issues that you may be experiencing:

  • Your cultural and religious programming
  • Your past sexual experiences
  • How comfortable you are with your body
  • How safe you feel with the guy that you are having sex with
  • Where you are having sex

Although your libido may decrease as you get older, the quality of your orgasms only gets better

To enhance your sexual performance and intensify your orgasm, increase the ‘love drug’ oxytocin in your system. All you need is more hugging, kissing, cuddling and other bonding activities.

Among men, sex results in intimacy: among women intimacy results in sex.

Barbara Cartland

Quick tips to get more out of sex

Did you know? Your clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice the number in a penis

According to Hilda Hutcherson, author of ‘Pleasure,’ a quick hot bath or placing a warm washcloth over your vulva for a few minutes before sex leads to increased pleasure. Heat will boost blood flow to your vagina, leading to increased lubrication and heightened sensitivity.

Take advantage of the first two days of your cycle when your testosterone levels surge, your breasts and clitoris become extra sensitive, and your libido soars. Your orgasms will be intense, and multiples are much more likely.

Stop defining yourself as an orgasm:

  • You are much more than orgasm. The enjoyment you experience during sex should not be desecrated by the failure to be orgasmic.
  • Stop exaggerating how bad it is not to have an orgasm

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as far as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.

Psychology Today

Did you know? Men have a spot which when stimulated causes untold pleasure? The organ is known as the prostate, and it is located right under a man’s bladder. You can reach it by placing a finger inside the guy’s anus and moving it in a circular motion.

Research shows that if you are having trouble reaching orgasm when having sex, wearing a pair of socks makes it easier for you to orgasm by warming your feet.

You should never compare your sexual sex experiences to another person’s. Comparison is the thief of joy. No two women experience sex the same way.

Great lovers are made, not born. Sex is not effortless. Educate yourself about your body and your man’s body

Do not compare your man with your current partners. As much as your past experiences can be a good foundation of your sexual skills, realize that different things work for different men.

Sex relieves tension – love causes it.

Woody Allen

Did you know? Sex increases your memory. During sex, blood flows to the hippocampal region of the brain, which improves your ability to remember words and phrases

‘Society' and it's impact on our sex lives

It may seem like there is no connection, but images in the media and our general perception of what society thinks is OK and normal impacts our sex lives.

Even though you may feel as though your body doesn’t look great at the moment, do not allow this consciousness to spoil your sexual experience. When you are making love, your man is not worried about any imperfections that you may have. Besides, his body is probably not perfect either.

Forget about ‘normal’ sex and do not feel ashamed about your quirk’s and fantasies. In a study:

  • 11% of the women had tried bondage
  • 20% of the respondents had used a blindfold
  • 30% of the women had had anal sex
  • 62% of the women admitted to masturbating three to four times a week
  • 18% indicated that they preferred oral sex

Sex is perfectly natural. It’s something that’s pleasurable. It’s enjoyable, and it enhances a relationship. So, why don’t we learn as much as we can about it and become comfortable with ourselves as sexual human beings, because we are all sexual?

Sue Johansson

Sex should feel amazing. If it’s painful at all, you should find out why. It could be a small matter of adding a lubricant or changing positions.

Be squeaky clean. Keeping everything fresh will optimize your sexual experience.

Also be prepared for things that may happen during sex like wanting to go to the bathroom or the phone ringing

It is not all up to your man. Share the responsibility and take on a portion of your own sexual pleasure.

They only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.

Alfred Kinsey

In Summary…

Between work projects, children, and other pressures, amazing sex may seem like a fantasy.  I hope these tips will help you turn up the heat again. These insights encourage you to challenge your existing thoughts about sex, and reflect on what you are doing right or wrong.  

And remember, no one has it all together when it comes to sex.  Sex can be confusing and surprising even for the most experienced among us.  There is no one size fit all.

Different partners bring with them sets of demands, expectations, and experiences.  

Luckily, with excellent communication and all the self-help materials available out there, you should be able to have a fantastic sexual experience.

EXPERT ADVICE: Should you have Sex on the First Date?

Should you have Sex on the First Date - Silhouette of couple on the beach

HE IS HOT, AND the sexual energy cannot be denied. Everything is going well. The dinner is fantastic, and you haven’t had such a lovely conversation for a long time. He smiles, leans forward, and in the sexiest voice whispers:

Your place or mine?

You panic and freeze. Should you have sex with him?

Will he still respect you if you agree to have sex with him on the first date, or will he relegate you to booty call zone? What if you turn him down? Will he think that you are stuck up and uninteresting?

The Dilemma

There is a lot to think about when deciding whether to have sex on the first date or not.

For instance, if the sex isn’t awesome right off the bat, it could be a deal breaker. Unfortunately, you can’t always be sure that first date sex will be phenomenal because a lot of pressure accompanies it. Also, some women may fear to scare off guys by appearing to be too sexually aggressive.

On the other hand, there is always the chance that if a woman doesn’t ooze sexuality, the man will not ask for a second date.

We may not give you a definitive answer in this article as to whether you should be intimate on the first date or not since every situation is unique. However, we will give you sound arguments for both opinions so that you can make an informed decision.

The Debate:

CAMP NO: Why you should not have sex on your first date

As much as the traditional rules of dating and sex have changed, there are still many reasons why having sex on the first date is probably not a wise idea.

You will be sleeping with a perfect stranger

Firstly, you have obviously spent very little time with this guy, and you, therefore, do not know much about him. There are inherent risks that come with sleeping with a man that you just met.  Also, in all likelihood, you have not discussed protection and STIs. So, how will you ensure that you are safe?

Again, you probably haven’t had any meaningful conversation regarding sex and boundaries. Do you know whether you can trust the man to treat you respectfully? Are you comfortable enough with him to be assertive and communicate your pleasure and displeasure during sex?

Guys believe that there is something special about women who make them wait

An interview with guys indicated that men are still pleasantly surprised by a woman who makes them wait. It is the nature of a man: the harder a girl is willing to make him work for it, the more he is attracted to her.

Indeed, some guys indicated that when a woman made the man wait to have sex, it made them realize that they wanted to wait for it too despite their original plans. Other guys indicated that it is refreshing to meet a woman who didn’t want to give it up all at once, leaving them with something to look forward to.

The anxiety of the first date sex

Sex therapists say that first date sex comes with untold anxiety. If you are not interested in a relationship with the guy, you will be wondering how to extricate yourself in case he wants to see you again.

On the other hand, if you are hoping for a relationship, you will be worrying that you have given the wrong impression. Maybe the guy will think that you are easy and that you do it with other guys all the time. Sometimes, even though the chemistry is there, it makes much more sense to wait. After all, the chemistry will be there on the second, and the third, and the fourth date.

Sex clouds your judgment

Celebrity match maker, Alessandra Conti, says that sex on the first date is even more disadvantageous for women. When you have sex, your body is flooded by oxytocin which makes you want to bond with and trust the man. This makes your judgment significantly impaired.

As a result, you are more likely to let things slide and overlook the deal breakers if the relationship progresses. Sex therapists warn that sexual chemistry is not always the best guide when one is searching for a long term commitment.

Also, because of the hormones that you release during sex, potential ghosting becomes much more painful. Being ghosted by a guy is painful even when you have not slept with him. However, the difference is that you are now chemically and emotionally bonded to him, and it will make it twice as hard to get over him.

CAMP YES: Why sex on the first date is not a deal breaker

The stigma surrounding sex on the first date has changed significantly. Consider the following statistics:

A survey conducted by OkCupid revealed that 46% of users would comfortably have sex on the first date.

A 2013 research by Cosmopolitan revealed that 67 percent of the men said that they would totally have sex on the first date and that they would not think any less about a woman who has sex on the first date.

Yet, another study by Singles in America revealed that men are three times more likely to use a one night stand to form a relationship. The same survey revealed that 25 percent of the respondents had turned a one night stand into a relationship. Indeed, many of the respondents indicated that sleeping together on the first date helps them to determine whether there is a connection between them and the woman.

Sex on the first date helps you know whether you have chemistry

Many times, it takes time to figure out whether you have a connection with a guy. But once in a while, you meet one, and you just know.

Some relationship experts believe that lusting after someone that you don’t know well can still be an excellent start to a long-lasting relationship. As such, it seems that first date sex has its place in the formation of romantic relationships. It eliminates the weirdness  

Once you sleep with a guy, you surpass the weird first date zone. At least you will have bonded to the level that you are comfortable seeing each other naked. From that point going forward, communication and subsequent hang out sessions can only be easier.

If you feel that the connection was real, there will be no beating around the bush about wanting to see him again. If on the other hand, none of you was looking for anything serious, you might have found good friends in each other. It is a win – win.

What to do if you want to have sex on the first date

If you have great chemistry with a guy, you should not have to deny yourself. However, to avoid the guilt, shame and regret that potentially accompanies the first date sex, you need to make your choice for the right reasons for you.

Have sex for the right reasons

Why do you want to have sex? Is it to explore your sexuality? Do you hope to assess your compatibility with the guy? Do you want to give/receive pleasure?

When you know the reason why you want to do it, you will be more realistic about the outcome. Having sex because you are under pressure to please the man or because you hope to convince him to get serious about you is wrong.

You should only have sex because you want to. And always remember that there is no guarantee that the sex will lead to anything more.

Think about where it will happen and whether you feel safe enough doing it

Safety first! Where will you be having sex? At your place? At his? In a hotel? Do you plan to use protection? Are you on birth control?  

Wherever it is, you must ensure that you feel physically and emotionally comfortable in the space.

Talking of safety, do you feel safe with this guy?

  • Do you trust him not to harm you during and after sex?
  • If you changed your mind about having sex after arriving at your destination, would he respect your decision?
  • Who else knows where you are going or where you will be if something were to go wrong?

Take stock of what you know about the guy’s sexual history

What do you know about the guy’s health? Do you know whether he has any STIs? Is he having sex with other women?

No matter how much of a connection you have with a man, it is just irresponsible to not know his status before engaging in sex.

Be prepared for a potential one night stand

You should not take sharing your body with a man lightly. As such, you must be comfortable with the possibility that the sex will be just that -sex. You should not have any unrealistic expectations to avoid getting hurt.

So, to have or not to have?

Whether to sleep with a guy within a few hours of meeting him, the choice is yours. However, one thing remains true: the purpose of having sex is paramount in the making of this decision.

If you want a long term relationship, do not give it up too quickly. The delay will help you to grow the connection, and the sex will further strengthen your bond.

Also, bear in mind that many men have eliminated a girl from a potential relationship because she was ‘loose.’ But, it would be hard to find a man who ever dismissed a woman as a potential long-term partner because she didn’t have sex on the first date.

How to Tell a Guy You Want to Have Sex

How to Tell a Guy You Want to Have Sex

The time has come. You feel that you are ready to have sex with the guy you have recently started seeing…

It means that you have developed trust with him and you feel comfortable around him. The only problem is: he does not give you any indication that he feels the same way.

Doesn’t he want to have sex with you?

If a guy is dating you, of course, he is interested in having sex with you. However, there are several reasons why he might not demonstrate his interest in having sex with you just yet.

For one, he probably thinks that you are not ready and he doesn’t want to pressure you. And this a good thing, because it shows that he is a caring, considerate person.

Also, we have been made to think that men are always ready for sex, but this is not necessarily the case. Not every man is willing to have sex with you after a few dates.

But, if you feel ready to have sex, it is in your best interest to let the guy know. Even if he is not prepared, at least you will get to know the reason why and decide on the steps to take next.

How to tell a man that you want sex with him

Your relationship could stay on the friendship status forever if one of you doesn’t make a move to take it to the next level. If you feel strongly that this is the time, put the awkwardness aside and let him know how you feel. He is not a mind reader.

First things first, how do you know that you are ready to have sex with your guy?

There are many factors to consider when deliberating having sex for the first time. You do not want to get hurt, hurt him or complicate the budding relationship.

So, as much as you want to have sex, it is understandable that you might be worried about making a mess of things.

Also, do you trust yourself to make the decision?

Granted, you have made mistakes in the past and have been hurt. You deeply regret some of the dating and sexual decisions that you have made previously. You probably don’t trust yourself to make the ‘right’ decisions.

But, experts indicate that after all the experiences you have had, good and bad, you should trust yourself more than ever. After all, by now you know what works for you and what doesn’t.

You understand what you need for you to have sex and remain with fond memories after the experience. You have also learned what situations leave you with feelings of guilt, regret, and shame. Indeed, you are the best person to decide whether to have sex with a new man or not.

Be sure you are prepared to have sex

Sometimes, you may think you want to have sex, but you are just nervous about having sex with the guy for the first time (which is entirely understandable). You probably just want to get over with it, so that you can stop worrying about it.

But, Before you do or say anything:

Consider your past experiences

Think about all the times you have had sex and later felt good about it. Also, consider the times when having sex left you with feelings of guilt and regret.

  • What were the circumstances surrounding the sexual activity?
  • Was it casual sex, or were you in a committed relationship?
  • Had the guy met your friends and family?
  • Where did you have the sex?

Asking yourself these questions will help you identify the factors that support you in having a sexual experience that you can reflect on fondly.

Ask yourself how you want to feel after you have sex

How do you want to feel after having sex? How do you want to feel after having sex with this man? A clear answer to this question will help you take the necessary steps to ensure you will achieve this feeling.

  • Do you want to feel safe and loved after sex? Then you must allow the relationship to grow to a point where you feel safe and loved
  • Do you want to walk away with a feeling of freedom from commitment? Then you must ensure that you don’t wait until things are getting serious before you initiate sex
  • Do you want to banish fears of diseases and pregnancy? Then ensure that you use protection

Giving first-time sex careful thought ensures that you are not caught in the moment only to realize that it’s not what you really wanted.

Remember, sex changes a relationship in many ways. And you cannot undo sex. So, be sure it is what you want. If after a deep reflection the answer is yes, then you have nothing to worry about; but if the answer is ‘maybe’ give yourself some more time after all you have nothing to lose.

Figure out where he is at

We have already pointed out that not every man wants to have sex all the time. Your man could be having the same degree of shyness and caution as you.

Therefore, you need to figure out what his thoughts on having sex are. Conversations about sex are not easy to have especially in a new relationship. So, how do you establish his readiness to have sex?

Talk to him about sex in general

In the next conversation you have with your man, bring up the topic of sex: friends having sex, celebrities having sex…. And pay attention to his thoughts and opinions.

Imagine for instance that he tells you that he thinks people should only have sex after they are married? What does this imply? That the two of you are not on the same page. You then must decide whether you want to wait for him or you want to move on.

Consider how he interacts with you

Does he seem comfortable touching you? Has he demonstrated any interest in getting physically intimate? If yes, then, great. If not, then the conversation of sex will be a little bit difficult, so you better be prepared.

Just ask for it

This conversation will predictably not be an easy one, but relationship therapists indicate that just asking for what you want from your partner is very influential.

Unfortunately, the experts also say that asking is where many partners fall short. They say that most of the times, partners have the mentality that the odds are stacked against them. They hesitate to ask for what they need in a relationship because they predict that rejection is almost guaranteed even before they make the request.

According to research, however, you should not fear to ask:

In a study, assistants were asked to approach people and make random requests, one of which was: would you go to bed with me tonight or during the week/weekend?

59% of men agreed to have sex.

What does this research demonstrate?

The findings show that an average individual, using a pretty boring approach, has about 50 / 50 chance of getting a positive response to the request to have sex with a complete stranger. How much more successful will you be considering that this is a man you are dating and is most probably attracted to you?

Suddenly, the odds are a lot better than you imagined. Right? The message here is simple…. Ask, ask, and ask. If you want to have sex with your man, then ask for it. You have a pretty good chance of getting it.

Timing is everything

The evening before he has an important presentation at work, or the day when he is expecting a visit from his parents is not a good occasion to talk. Pick a day when you are both relaxed and feeling peaceful about life: like during a Sunday brunch with a bottle of wine.

You could also choose to have the conversation during a special occasion when he is in high spirits, like his birthday. This could work wonders because it will make the day more special and memorable, especially if he is ready to start having sex as well.

Ensure to make the revelation in private

This conversation is not to be had in front of people, no matter how close they are. Sex is intimate and personal.

Also, this is not only about you telling him you want sex; it is allowing him space and privacy to absorb and respond appropriately. You do not know his answer, so it is better to request during a private moment to avoid any awkwardness.

In Summary…

Remember, no matter how much time you buy; this will probably not feel smooth. Be encouraged by the fact that you guys are dating and the man does care about you. As such, a slightly uncomfortable conversation is hardly a deal breaker.

After all, you have the responsibility to ensure that your needs in a relationship are met. Only you know what they are and only you can ensure that they are not dismissed. And you know what, someday you will be able to laugh about the awkwardness. Promise!

Things that Happen during Sex and how to Deal with Them

How to Deal with Awkward Things That Happen During Sex - Man and woman in bed awkwardly
How to Deal with Awkward Things That Happen During Sex

THE IMAGE OF SEX that dominates the media is one of beauty and power, and one that is highly sanitized. In reality, however, sex is not clean or even pretty; it can be awkward and sometimes gross.

Things that happen during sex and how to deal with them

Sexual mishaps are common, and you can never predict what will happen, especially with a new partner. It is essential that you put things in their proper perspective to avoid approaching your sexual experiences with unrealistic expectations. Some of the not so pleasant things that can potentially make sex awkward include:


Queefing may be a bit embarrassing, but it is totally normal during sex. It occurs as a result of a pocket of air being pushed into your vagina during sex. Remember, your vagina usually doesn’t have any air but when you change positions, air can be sucked in.

When something else takes up the space; a penis or a finger, it pushes the air out, and that is the sound that you will hear. It is not a result of the digestive processes, and it is, therefore, odorless.

There is nothing you can do to prevent queefing, so your reaction is what matters a lot. When it happens, acknowledge it, and simply laugh it off. Bear in mind that your partner will react and respond to your energy. If you are humiliated or disgusted by the queefing, you will transfer your discomfort to your partner.

Did you know? The harder and more positions you engage in, the more likely you are to queef. Also, extra hard thrusting makes it easier for air to get trapped in the vagina. In other words the more you are enjoying sex, the higher the likelihood of queefing.


While many girls would rather die than pass gas during sex, the reality is that it happens – a lot. Sex is a highly athletic activity, and a lot is happening during the session that puts pressure on your midsection. Unfortunately, unlike the queefs, farts are not easily ignored. If you are the one who farted, all you can do is apologize, laugh about it carry on.

There are also times when you will notice that the man is too distracted to be concerned about the fart. In this case, ignore and concentrate on the business at hand.

If the man is the one who has farted on you, pretend you did not smell or hear it and move on. Sooner or later, the tables will be turned, and it will be your turn. Treat him the way you will want him to treat you.

Getting your period

It has happened to many couples before; one minute everything is fine. The next minute you are riding the crimson wave. Periods show up unannounced all the time. After all, you have no control over your time of the month.

Whether to continue having sex or postpone will depend on how you and the man feel about period sex. If you are into it, go for it but know that it can get a little messy. Indeed, experts indicate that period sex is phenomenal because of all the extra lubrication.

Getting a cramp

Sometimes, trying a new sexy position may not go as planned and you could end up with a cramp. Sex experts say that the calves and thighs tend to cramp more during intercourse, but any other muscle on your body can cramp.

Depending on the seriousness of the cramp, it could take anywhere from a few hours to days to feel better. If you get a cramp, turn it into an excuse for a free massage and a nice bonding session.

To prevent muscle cramps, switch sex positions frequently so that you are not in one position for too long.

Falling Dramatically out of position

Falling off the bed, hitting your head on the wall…. unless you are in perfect shape, you might find it challenging to hold certain sex positions for long.

You might get shaky or even collapse mid-sex, especially when experimenting with new positions. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Simply ask the guy to switch positions and pick right where you left.

Orgasms come too early or not at all

Sometimes, even when you are perfectly tuned with your partner, the orgasm just isn’t going to happen. Not every woman climaxes every time.

So, what do you do when you are going on and on, and the realization that it is not going to happen finally hits you? You need to tell yourself that it is okay; that sex can be satisfying and pleasurable even when you do not orgasm.

Focus on the pleasure rather than the outcome, and you will do just fine. Some days it is just easier to orgasm than others.

Most of all,

Do not fake an orgasm. If you fake the orgasm, you are teaching your man all wrong. When your orgasms are real, your man can learn exactly what does and doesn’t work for you.

Let your man know that women don’t need to orgasm 100 percent of the time to be satisfied. Let him know that you had a great time, but you are not going to climax today.

If your man orgasms too soon, do not make him feel guilty. Let him know that it is not a big deal but that he shouldn’t leave you hanging. You can actually recommend to help him with other ways to help you orgasm.

Condom mishaps

Condoms are a significant part of sex, but they can also be a great source of awkwardness. For instance, condoms do gets stuck.

What to do?

Do not panic. Doctors recommend using a finger or two to try and fish it out. If you can’t get hold of it, do not get anxious. Anxiety will cause your vaginal muscles to tighten up and potentially push the condom further into the vagina, out of reach.

If after a few tries you still cannot get the condom out, give it a few hours and try again when you are more relaxed. The vagina will contract and make the condom easier to locate. If a day goes and the condom is still missing, make an appointment with your ob-gyn. They will quickly grab it for you. Trust me; they have done it many times before.


Peeing during sex happens more often than many women would want to admit. Sexual peeing is related to your body’s biological responses during sex. Sexual stimulation can lead to involuntary bladder spasms which increase incontinence.

Your partner may not notice it much because he is in the heat of the moment, but you will know. The good news is that it can easily be avoided: rush to the bathroom before sex, or if you need to, excuse yourself whilst in the act. It will only take a few moments, but it will prevent an uncomfortable situation.

You are completely dry

You and your man have enjoyed intense foreplay, and you are ready to get into action. The only problem is that your vagina is completely dry. Sex therapists say there are some reasons why you could be dry, chief of which is low oestrogen. Every woman needs adequate levels of oestrogen to maintain vaginal lubrication.

If you have sex when you are that dry, sex will not only be unenjoyable, but extremely painful. What to do? Let your man know that you need the help of lube but assure him that just because you are a little dry does not mean that you are not turned on.


The penis just won’t fit

This might sound like it’s a good problem to have, but it is very frustrating at that particular moment. Because of anxiety and stress, your vagina muscles may tighten, and your man may be unable to penetrate.

Furthermore, the more you worry about it, the worse it can get. If this happens, get some relaxation techniques with the help of your man. Within no time, you will be calm enough to enjoy yourself.

In Summary

To enjoy sex, it is a good idea to lower your expectations and not push for things to go perfectly. Sex can at times be gross, weird and even embarrassing; and that is part of the reason why it is fantastic. It also helps to have a sense of humor.

When these awkward things happen, acknowledge them, communicate with your man about them and whenever possible, laugh about it together. It doesn’t help to be self-conscious during sex.

Your man, like most people, probably understands that sex is awkward and he will be relieved that you are just as awkward as he is in bed.

If you want to know more about what intimacy and how to be a good partner then here are some resources

The Concise Guide to the Types of Boundaries in Relationships

Types of Boundaries in a relationship - Man and Woman early on in relationship


  • Driving in your lane
  • Obeying the limits that are marked by your colleagues' desks or cubicles
  • Maintaining a respectable distance in a queue

Yet many of us think that boundaries are unnecessary and even offensive in a romantic relationship?

Many girls do not set boundaries in their relationships.

Instead they think their partner should be able to anticipate their wants and needs. Some even fear that boundaries will interfere with the romance and spontaneity of the relationship. Others feel that boundaries are downright callous.

Why you should set boundaries with your new boyfriend

A healthy relationship, like every other area of your life, requires boundaries. Boundaries define responsibility in the relationship and create natural limits. These limits work to your mutual benefit since the overall expectations are clearly worked out.

Boundaries are also essential for eliminating blame in the relationship. According to clinical psychologist, Ryan Howes, clear boundaries determine where you end, and your partner begins. When you are both clear on which responsibilities are yours and which ones are his, you have less conflict and fewer misunderstandings.

Boundaries communicate your tolerances to each other. You and your partner have different emotional thresholds. When you set boundaries, you are letting your boyfriend know there are certain things you will not tolerate: being lied to, shouted at, being silenced or mistreated. Limits make more healthy and peaceful relationships.

Not all men are going to have the same values as you so it’s important to get it right from the start.

When you don’t set boundaries

You cannot hope to be a woman of high self-esteem as you mourn the behavior of a man who is crossing boundaries and treating you indecently. Failure to set limits means that you will have to deal with:

  • Messy habits
  • Jealous spying
  • Broken promises
  • Dangerous lifestyle: alcohol or drug abuse
  • Angry behavior
  • Oppression and resentment
  • Power struggles

If you do not believe in boundaries and accept anything and everything, the problems that may arise in future are yours, not your boyfriend’s.

New boyfriends and relationships

The core determinant when establishing patterns of behavior in your relationship is acceptance and rejection. Boundaries help you to clearly communicate with your boyfriend what things you accept and which ones you reject. If you don’t do one, you do the other.

Sexual expression

You and your boyfriend will have some different ideas about sex. For (a very simplistic) example:

  • You may like sex in the morning while he enjoys it in the evening
  • He may love sex in odd places while you may enjoy sex more in the comfort of your home
  • You may be wild, he may like it slow and sensual

The point is, if you and your boyfriend don’t know where your sexual boundaries lie, one of you will spend their time in the relationship faking sexual satisfaction.

Determine your sexual needs and preferences as well as how much wiggle room for adventure exists within your relationship.

Violating sexual boundaries in a relationship is not just unhealthy, it can be abusive.


There's typically no more of a sensitive topic in any relationship. Money is super powerful and can turn a good relationship sour. Your incomes, spending methods, saving patterns: all these could bring some significant trust issues in the relationship.

You and your boyfriend should regularly sit down and discuss financial boundaries. The easiest one i’d recommend is:

‘What dollar figure is the limit that we need to discuss together before we decide to buy  or not buy it?’

It is also important to decide how you will spend your money, create a budget, and be on the same page where financial goals are concerned.

But this one question above is easy to understand and get the message across that money is a shared topic.

You are a team, and you must operate as such to be successful in your relationship.

Discussing financial boundaries is not an expectancy of a failed relationship; it is a matter of convenience which will help you avoid sticky entanglements later in the relationship.

How you will settle disagreements

There is conflict in all relationships.

If you adequately address how you will fight in your relationship, you can quickly solve all your problems. According to Psychology Today, conflicts and arguments do not necessarily jeopardize your relationship.

Indeed, there are times when disagreements can bring you and your boyfriend together. The key is how you and your boyfriend decide to handle your conflict.

Do you:

  • Give the silent treatment?
  • Laugh when there is conflict?
  • Make underhanded comments?
  • Get the person out of your physical space?

Once you are aware of how you both handle conflict, then you can set up a rule in advance (when you are both more level headed). I.e. If i give the silent treatment for 2 days, tell me that i’m being silly and the point has been made.)

Conflicts, when mishandled can ultimately break the relationship up. Work together with your boyfriend to determine the appropriate way for you to deal with anger and how you will treat each other when you are upset.

Social media

Social media has completely permeated romantic relationships. Jordan Gray, a sex and dating coach, indicates that, of late, relationships’ therapy sessions are filled with stories about social media interference with relationships: snooping in partners’ Facebook accounts, a lot of suspicions; anger when partners follow their exes on Instagram.

A survey by Pew Research Center in 2014 revealed that 45% of the respondents said that their social media account had a major impact on their relationships.

You may be hesitant to discuss boundaries on social media usage since you may think that social media is too frivolous to argue over. However, you must realize that social media stirs up real feelings, and those feelings matter. As such, agree with your boyfriend on:

  • How to prioritize quality time together without social media
  • What you should and should not post.
  • To what extent you should engage your exes online.

How you spend your time

Your relationship will thrive when you spend quality time together – and also separately. You, therefore, need to set boundaries on how you will not only spend time together but also have some solo time scheduled with friends and family.

If you do not set up time boundaries in your relationship, you will have problems in your relationship and also in the relationships with your family and friends. Talk with your partner about your expectations for time together and time alone, and you will have a more fulfilling relationship.

Reaching the limits

As we conclude, bear in mind that the concept of boundaries may be unnatural to your boyfriend. Therefore, to make your boundaries efficient:

  • Be firm, yet kind

Do not be mean or hurtful when you set a boundary. The more you approach the boundary conversation with love and compassion, the better the conversation will go.

  • Be consistent

Once you set a boundary, do not dismiss it or ignore it. When you undermine the boundaries, you will have taught your boyfriend to disrespect them too. As such, stand behind your words at all times.

In Summary…

Lastly, remember that boundaries are not static. The types of boundaries in relationships can change as your relationship progresses or as you find out more information about each other.

Feel free to revisit the boundaries when the need arises.

How to Get out of the Friend Zone with a Guy

How to get out of the friend zone with a guy - girl staring at guy at resteraunt
How to get out of the friend zone with a guy - girl staring at guy at resteraunt

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT, EXCEPT you have developed intense feelings for him.

If only you could make him see things the same as you

So how do you make him realize that the two of you would be good together? How can you become more than friends and get out of the friend zone?

Why were you friend zoned?

Which one are you?

The mother figure

Many women become friend zoned because they mother the guy. You become a shoulder to cry on for a guy; and what happens? He friend zones you and moves on to marry the next girl. Being a guy’s confidante (without him being attracted to you first) is the most definite way to get into the friend zone.

He will never date you as long as he sees you as a mother and not a potential mate.  

The maid

Many women think that when they do everything for a man, he will like them more. The reality is that this only kills the attraction. When you work very hard to become a guy’s best friend, while your intention may be to be romantic with him, the opposite happens: You depolarize yourself from him.

The dominatrix

Some women (who have read bad books like ‘the rules') think that treating men mean is a good way get them interested. It isn't.

In fact, this only works with guys who have low self-esteem and generally aren't the guys you want. Good men don't want to be treated like a doormat. If you have been putting him down in front of his friends (even playfully) then this is you.

The woman in the background

This is more common than you might think. You may simply have not aroused his curiosity enough to notice you. And if he hasn't noticed you then he hasn't thought about you as a potential girlfriend.

How to get out of the friend zone

Many think that once they are in the friend zone, they are in it for life. This is completely untrue.

You are in the friend zone because there are things you are inadvertently doing that are keeping you there; you put yourself there. Fortunately, there are things you can start doing this very minute to dig yourself out of this dreaded place.

Figure out how the guy sees you

When the man that you love looks at you, what he sees in you is not girlfriend material. Honestly examining how he sees you is essential. If he sees you as a therapist or a sibling, you have no hope of building a romantic relationship with him.

So how does the guy see you?

Again you might think that you are this incredible, sexy woman, but the guy doesn’t see any sexiness when he looks at you. Take a step back and ask yourself:

  • Are you always listening to the guy’s problems?
  • Are you always ready to make brownies when he has had a tough day?
  • Does he always let you lead the conversation and/or activity?
  • Are you available to the extent that he is taking you for granted?
  • Do you always agree to meet every time he asks to hang out?
  • Does he consider you sexy or does he relate to you as he does with the guy next door?
  • Does he know much about you other than your name?

When you see yourself through the guy’s eyes, it is a great way to see things in a whole different light. Change the role you are playing, and you will be climbing out of the friend zone in no time.

Revamp your look

You do not have to change your look entirely to win over the guy. But, if you want the man to see you as more than a friend, you have to sex it up a bit. When you are with him, dress as you would when you are going out with your girls, or on a hot date with a hot sexy guy.

You have been dressing for comfort around the man; after all, you are good friends. Your aim going forward should be to feel sexy and confident when you are with him. If your appearance been too platonic, this automatically disqualifies you as a romantic partner.

So, reinvent yourself:

  • Change your wardrobe. Choose clothes that are contrary to the fashion that he has come to associate with you.
  • Start getting into better shape and wow him. You don’t have to be perfect but just starting to transform before his eyes will make him notice you.
  • Change your hairstyle and makeup styles adopt those that make you more appealing.
  • Focus on making the people around you happy. This is an extremely attractive quality to men that goes unnoticed by women.


The problem is that he sees you all the time. How does he even know what he is missing? If you want the guy to value you, you have to take a break from him. With a little distance, there is a chance that he will miss you and realize what you have to offer.

Giving yourself a break helps reset your relationship changes the dynamics. (Not a great example but think ‘old you' and now ‘new you')

This includes phone calls, texting and other communication. You can make an excuse if you want to (visiting family). If he does text you listen in a friendly manner then exit the conversation politely.

Have your own life

It is not enough to give your boyfriend some space but is also crucial that you have your own life. You only have one life, and you should not put it on hold for anyone. Also, the more you go out there and do the things you love, the more you will feel and look better and the more you will be more attractive.

When you are fixated on your attraction for the guy, you give off a needy vibe and neediness is anything but sexy.

Get passionate about something

Take up something that you are passionate about or start advancing your career. You will busier, less accessible and you will be more attractive.

More importantly, having a more exciting life will make you feel more confident and prevent you from making the mistake of building your life around your loneliness. You will no longer look to the guy to fill an emotional void; you will just prefer him, not need him.

Let him chase you

By now the dynamic has changed. You are no longer chasing the man. You are much more attractive than the previous girl who needed to hold his hand through life.  

Since you are less available, the guy will start feeling like he could lose you. Do not do much to reassure him. Leave him room to pursue you.

Men want to feel like winners

When you give the guy an opportunity to win you by stepping back, he will rise to the challenge and pursue you. And the opposite is also true. If you are in his face all the time, you will seem too easy to get: you will never be a prize.

You will only make it entirely impossible for him to realize how valuable you are and he will always take you for granted.

Get in touch with your femininity

Men like women. So you need to use this to your advantage. Wear dresses, skirts, flirt with him and let him know that you need his manly muscles for things.

You will make him feel needed, wanted, and like a man. Which will draw him to you

This leads me to my final thought

It is essential that you keep your options open. You may not want to hear this, but what if he is not ready for a relationship at all, or he is not attracted to you that way?

If you keep waiting for him to see the romantic potential between the two of you, you might waste all your time fixating on a man who will never fill that role and lose out on time you could have spent meeting an incredible man. Tying yourself up with a possible relationship and closing off every other option is just not wise.

The very final thought, I promise:

If you do not cut the umbilical cord, you will keep investing in a guy, who, all he will ever do is unload his personal issues on you. One day you will look back with bitterness and regret. Make a decision to get out of the friend zone today; no matter what the outcome could be!

The 10 Best Books on Sex, Love and Intimate Relationships

Best Books on Sex and Intimate Relationships - Woman reading book in sexy attire on bed
Best Books on Sex and Intimate Relationships - Woman reading book in sexy attire on bed

Friends have some relevant experience but they aren't experts on the topic of sex and intimacy. So who is…?

The authors of these books

They have reviewed studies (or done them themselves, researched, surveyed, and interviewed. Some have even delved into sub cultures to discover the real secrets behind why sex and intimacy plays such an important role in our lives

Here are ten of the best you can learn from, and discover what they learned, without all the hard work

A warning after reading these books, … will never be the same again. Enjoy

The Language of Desire by Felicity Keith

Capture him by using dirty works to make him yours

If as a woman you find yourself feeling undesirable and worried that the spark in your love life has gone out, you need to read The Language of Desire.

Author Felicity Keith offers ten sections covering how to achieve a better relationship with your man. Learn how to unlock the door to his secret fantasies, how to use “dirty” language to stoke the fires of his mental G-spot, and what “makes a man tick.”

This book is aimed at getting what you want, through giving him what he wants (which doesn't suit some women). A little more expensive than others in this list because of the amount of content, you can get your copy here.

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

Get in the drivers seat

Are you tired of being ignored? Is batting your eyelids and smiling pretty” not working for you? Would you like to have more control over men?

In The Art of Seduction, author Robert Greene reveals 24 different strategies you can use to become a “mistress of seduction”. The 400+ page, well-researched book also reveals what strategy suits your personality.

Although a little repetitive, it's a must for women who want to be in the drivers seat of their love life. This historical stories add another element for readers. Get your copy of The Art of Seduction here.

Dirty Minds by Kayt Sukel

Why does love make us so crazy?

For centuries humankind has pondered the nature of love in poems, books, songs, and art. But only recently has medical science been used to measure how our brains influence love, sex, romance, and our relationships.

In Dirty Minds, author Kayt Sukel takes a somewhat humorous look at how science is using technology such as brain scans during orgasm. Sukel looks at questions like, “Is monogamy practical?” and, “What parts of the brain are involved with love?”

A little complex for those wanting an easy read, but a fresh approach to an age-old topic? Get your copy of Dirty Minds here.

The Sexual Spectrum by Olive Skene Johnson, Ph.D.

What makes us all different

In Sexual Spectrum, author Olive Skene Johnson, Ph.D. takes a close look at what makes us all different. In particular what shapes our individual sexuality and how new is sexual diversity?

The information used is drawn from significant scientific research along with personal experience.

An excellent, non-technical read for those who are not familiar with topics such as why some people change gender are heterosexuals and homosexuals really different from each other, and many more.

A good primer for those with who have gay/lesbian children or are learning to accept their own sexuality. Get your copy here.

500 Intimate Questions for Couples by Michael Webb

Enjoy the hottest, deepest sex of your life

In 500 Intimate Questions, author Michael Webb has put together a collection the type of intimate questions you and your partner should be asking each other if you both want to enjoy mind-blowing sex.

Here's the thing – how can you possibly know if you are pleasing your partner and giving them the best sex they've ever had if you don't know what they want? The questions come from over 20 years as a couple's counselor helping thousands of couples achieve successful relationships.

More of a practical guide. this book is only available in digital PDF form. Get your copy here.

Bonk – The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach

A fun look at the science behind the pleasure of sex and more

In Bonk – The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, author Mary Roach uses her great sense of humor to teach us about orgasms, impotence, the sexual behavior of different species, and so much more.

Roach covers an incredibly broad span of information including sex in history such as the impotency trials in 17th century France. She looks at some of the more unusual sex toys and includes her personal evaluation of how well the work.

Irreverent? Maybe. Packed full of useful information in a way that is easy to digest? Absolutely!

Although a little graphic for some, you can expect an easy, informative and humorous read. Get your copy of Bonk! here

Mind-Blowing Sex Positions by Tracy Queen

From the weird to the outright wonderful

In Mind-Blowing Sex Positions, Tracy Queen covers more strange sex positions than a Porn Star Convention.

This book is all about taking that normal boring sex you have been living with and turning it up to notches hitherto unknown. It’s all about destroying the missionary rules and not dying while you do so.

Learn how to bend without breaking, how to use everything including appliances to get each other off. And of course, positions, positions, and just when you think you've tried them all, even more, positions.

Easy to understand, although no drawings or diagrams, get your copy of Mind-Blowing Sex Positions here.

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler NPH

The definitive guide to reproductive health

For over 20 years Taking Charge of Your Fertility has been teaching women all they need to know about natural birth control as well as how to become pregnant when the time is right.

Weschler teaches women how to take control of their sexual and gynecological health in as little as two minutes per day using the Fertility Awareness Method in the book. This new 20th-anniversary edition includes six all-new chapters and tons of updated information. Get your copy here

Dirty Talk: The Language of Lust by Eric Monroe

Lessons in lust to win his …

Most women have little to no idea how to wield one of the most powerful weapons they have in their sexual inventory.

What weapons are we talking about? The lust-filled use of “dirty talk” at the appropriate time. Why? Because most women are too embarrassed to use them or have no idea where to star.

In Dirty Talk: The Language of Lust, author Eric Monroe not only teaches to you what dirty talk is all about but also how to know when you should be using it if you want to win your man's heart and vastly improve your sex life.

Expect to go from shy kitten to sultry seductress and get an education on dirty talk. Get your copy here.

Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.

A master-class in the science of sex

In Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily Nagoski explores the how and why of women's sexuality.

Using groundbreaking scientific research and science of the brain, she shows you how to radically transform your sex life.

While the “pink pill,” Viagra® for women may never come to pass, the research that went into developing it is priceless, and Nagoski covers this and much more to show you how to enjoy the best sex you've ever had.

Science decoded into easy to understand language. Get your copy here

Thanks for reading

Thanks for reading these picks. If you can think of a book that should be added to this list, then you can contact me here.