The time has come. You feel that you are ready to have sex with the guy you have recently started seeing…
It means that you have developed trust with him and you feel comfortable around him. The only problem is: he does not give you any indication that he feels the same way.
Doesn’t he want to have sex with you?
If a guy is dating you, of course, he is interested in having sex with you. However, there are several reasons why he might not demonstrate his interest in having sex with you just yet.
For one, he probably thinks that you are not ready and he doesn’t want to pressure you. And this a good thing, because it shows that he is a caring, considerate person.
Also, we have been made to think that men are always ready for sex, but this is not necessarily the case. Not every man is willing to have sex with you after a few dates.
But, if you feel ready to have sex, it is in your best interest to let the guy know. Even if he is not prepared, at least you will get to know the reason why and decide on the steps to take next.
How to tell a man that you want sex with him
Your relationship could stay on the friendship status forever if one of you doesn’t make a move to take it to the next level. If you feel strongly that this is the time, put the awkwardness aside and let him know how you feel. He is not a mind reader.
First things first, how do you know that you are ready to have sex with your guy?
There are many factors to consider when deliberating having sex for the first time. You do not want to get hurt, hurt him or complicate the budding relationship.
So, as much as you want to have sex, it is understandable that you might be worried about making a mess of things.
Also, do you trust yourself to make the decision?
Granted, you have made mistakes in the past and have been hurt. You deeply regret some of the dating and sexual decisions that you have made previously. You probably don’t trust yourself to make the ‘right’ decisions.
But, experts indicate that after all the experiences you have had, good and bad, you should trust yourself more than ever. After all, by now you know what works for you and what doesn’t.
You understand what you need for you to have sex and remain with fond memories after the experience. You have also learned what situations leave you with feelings of guilt, regret, and shame. Indeed, you are the best person to decide whether to have sex with a new man or not.
Be sure you are prepared to have sex
Sometimes, you may think you want to have sex, but you are just nervous about having sex with the guy for the first time (which is entirely understandable). You probably just want to get over with it, so that you can stop worrying about it.
But, Before you do or say anything:
Consider your past experiences
Think about all the times you have had sex and later felt good about it. Also, consider the times when having sex left you with feelings of guilt and regret.
- What were the circumstances surrounding the sexual activity?
- Was it casual sex, or were you in a committed relationship?
- Had the guy met your friends and family?
- Where did you have the sex?
Asking yourself these questions will help you identify the factors that support you in having a sexual experience that you can reflect on fondly.
Ask yourself how you want to feel after you have sex
How do you want to feel after having sex? How do you want to feel after having sex with this man? A clear answer to this question will help you take the necessary steps to ensure you will achieve this feeling.
- Do you want to feel safe and loved after sex? Then you must allow the relationship to grow to a point where you feel safe and loved
- Do you want to walk away with a feeling of freedom from commitment? Then you must ensure that you don’t wait until things are getting serious before you initiate sex
- Do you want to banish fears of diseases and pregnancy? Then ensure that you use protection
Giving first-time sex careful thought ensures that you are not caught in the moment only to realize that it’s not what you really wanted.
Remember, sex changes a relationship in many ways. And you cannot undo sex. So, be sure it is what you want. If after a deep reflection the answer is yes, then you have nothing to worry about; but if the answer is ‘maybe’ give yourself some more time after all you have nothing to lose.
Figure out where he is at
We have already pointed out that not every man wants to have sex all the time. Your man could be having the same degree of shyness and caution as you.
Therefore, you need to figure out what his thoughts on having sex are. Conversations about sex are not easy to have especially in a new relationship. So, how do you establish his readiness to have sex?
Talk to him about sex in general
In the next conversation you have with your man, bring up the topic of sex: friends having sex, celebrities having sex…. And pay attention to his thoughts and opinions.
Imagine for instance that he tells you that he thinks people should only have sex after they are married? What does this imply? That the two of you are not on the same page. You then must decide whether you want to wait for him or you want to move on.
Consider how he interacts with you
Does he seem comfortable touching you? Has he demonstrated any interest in getting physically intimate? If yes, then, great. If not, then the conversation of sex will be a little bit difficult, so you better be prepared.
Just ask for it
This conversation will predictably not be an easy one, but relationship therapists indicate that just asking for what you want from your partner is very influential.
Unfortunately, the experts also say that asking is where many partners fall short. They say that most of the times, partners have the mentality that the odds are stacked against them. They hesitate to ask for what they need in a relationship because they predict that rejection is almost guaranteed even before they make the request.
According to research, however, you should not fear to ask:
In a study, assistants were asked to approach people and make random requests, one of which was: would you go to bed with me tonight or during the week/weekend?
59% of men agreed to have sex.
What does this research demonstrate?
The findings show that an average individual, using a pretty boring approach, has about 50 / 50 chance of getting a positive response to the request to have sex with a complete stranger. How much more successful will you be considering that this is a man you are dating and is most probably attracted to you?
Suddenly, the odds are a lot better than you imagined. Right? The message here is simple…. Ask, ask, and ask. If you want to have sex with your man, then ask for it. You have a pretty good chance of getting it.
Timing is everything
The evening before he has an important presentation at work, or the day when he is expecting a visit from his parents is not a good occasion to talk. Pick a day when you are both relaxed and feeling peaceful about life: like during a Sunday brunch with a bottle of wine.
You could also choose to have the conversation during a special occasion when he is in high spirits, like his birthday. This could work wonders because it will make the day more special and memorable, especially if he is ready to start having sex as well.
Ensure to make the revelation in private
This conversation is not to be had in front of people, no matter how close they are. Sex is intimate and personal.
Also, this is not only about you telling him you want sex; it is allowing him space and privacy to absorb and respond appropriately. You do not know his answer, so it is better to request during a private moment to avoid any awkwardness.
Remember, no matter how much time you buy; this will probably not feel smooth. Be encouraged by the fact that you guys are dating and the man does care about you. As such, a slightly uncomfortable conversation is hardly a deal breaker.
After all, you have the responsibility to ensure that your needs in a relationship are met. Only you know what they are and only you can ensure that they are not dismissed. And you know what, someday you will be able to laugh about the awkwardness. Promise!