EXPERT ADVICE: Should you have Sex on the First Date?

Should you have Sex on the First Date - Silhouette of couple on the beach

HE IS HOT, AND the sexual energy cannot be denied. Everything is going well. The dinner is fantastic, and you haven’t had such a lovely conversation for a long time. He smiles, leans forward, and in the sexiest voice whispers:

Your place or mine?

You panic and freeze. Should you have sex with him?

Will he still respect you if you agree to have sex with him on the first date, or will he relegate you to booty call zone? What if you turn him down? Will he think that you are stuck up and uninteresting?

The Dilemma

There is a lot to think about when deciding whether to have sex on the first date or not.

For instance, if the sex isn’t awesome right off the bat, it could be a deal breaker. Unfortunately, you can’t always be sure that first date sex will be phenomenal because a lot of pressure accompanies it. Also, some women may fear to scare off guys by appearing to be too sexually aggressive.

On the other hand, there is always the chance that if a woman doesn’t ooze sexuality, the man will not ask for a second date.

We may not give you a definitive answer in this article as to whether you should be intimate on the first date or not since every situation is unique. However, we will give you sound arguments for both opinions so that you can make an informed decision.

The Debate:

CAMP NO: Why you should not have sex on your first date

As much as the traditional rules of dating and sex have changed, there are still many reasons why having sex on the first date is probably not a wise idea.

You will be sleeping with a perfect stranger

Firstly, you have obviously spent very little time with this guy, and you, therefore, do not know much about him. There are inherent risks that come with sleeping with a man that you just met.  Also, in all likelihood, you have not discussed protection and STIs. So, how will you ensure that you are safe?

Again, you probably haven’t had any meaningful conversation regarding sex and boundaries. Do you know whether you can trust the man to treat you respectfully? Are you comfortable enough with him to be assertive and communicate your pleasure and displeasure during sex?

Guys believe that there is something special about women who make them wait

An interview with guys indicated that men are still pleasantly surprised by a woman who makes them wait. It is the nature of a man: the harder a girl is willing to make him work for it, the more he is attracted to her.

Indeed, some guys indicated that when a woman made the man wait to have sex, it made them realize that they wanted to wait for it too despite their original plans. Other guys indicated that it is refreshing to meet a woman who didn’t want to give it up all at once, leaving them with something to look forward to.

The anxiety of the first date sex

Sex therapists say that first date sex comes with untold anxiety. If you are not interested in a relationship with the guy, you will be wondering how to extricate yourself in case he wants to see you again.

On the other hand, if you are hoping for a relationship, you will be worrying that you have given the wrong impression. Maybe the guy will think that you are easy and that you do it with other guys all the time. Sometimes, even though the chemistry is there, it makes much more sense to wait. After all, the chemistry will be there on the second, and the third, and the fourth date.

Sex clouds your judgment

Celebrity match maker, Alessandra Conti, says that sex on the first date is even more disadvantageous for women. When you have sex, your body is flooded by oxytocin which makes you want to bond with and trust the man. This makes your judgment significantly impaired.

As a result, you are more likely to let things slide and overlook the deal breakers if the relationship progresses. Sex therapists warn that sexual chemistry is not always the best guide when one is searching for a long term commitment.

Also, because of the hormones that you release during sex, potential ghosting becomes much more painful. Being ghosted by a guy is painful even when you have not slept with him. However, the difference is that you are now chemically and emotionally bonded to him, and it will make it twice as hard to get over him.

CAMP YES: Why sex on the first date is not a deal breaker

The stigma surrounding sex on the first date has changed significantly. Consider the following statistics:

A survey conducted by OkCupid revealed that 46% of users would comfortably have sex on the first date.

A 2013 research by Cosmopolitan revealed that 67 percent of the men said that they would totally have sex on the first date and that they would not think any less about a woman who has sex on the first date.

Yet, another study by Singles in America revealed that men are three times more likely to use a one night stand to form a relationship. The same survey revealed that 25 percent of the respondents had turned a one night stand into a relationship. Indeed, many of the respondents indicated that sleeping together on the first date helps them to determine whether there is a connection between them and the woman.

Sex on the first date helps you know whether you have chemistry

Many times, it takes time to figure out whether you have a connection with a guy. But once in a while, you meet one, and you just know.

Some relationship experts believe that lusting after someone that you don’t know well can still be an excellent start to a long-lasting relationship. As such, it seems that first date sex has its place in the formation of romantic relationships. It eliminates the weirdness  

Once you sleep with a guy, you surpass the weird first date zone. At least you will have bonded to the level that you are comfortable seeing each other naked. From that point going forward, communication and subsequent hang out sessions can only be easier.

If you feel that the connection was real, there will be no beating around the bush about wanting to see him again. If on the other hand, none of you was looking for anything serious, you might have found good friends in each other. It is a win – win.

What to do if you want to have sex on the first date

If you have great chemistry with a guy, you should not have to deny yourself. However, to avoid the guilt, shame and regret that potentially accompanies the first date sex, you need to make your choice for the right reasons for you.

Have sex for the right reasons

Why do you want to have sex? Is it to explore your sexuality? Do you hope to assess your compatibility with the guy? Do you want to give/receive pleasure?

When you know the reason why you want to do it, you will be more realistic about the outcome. Having sex because you are under pressure to please the man or because you hope to convince him to get serious about you is wrong.

You should only have sex because you want to. And always remember that there is no guarantee that the sex will lead to anything more.

Think about where it will happen and whether you feel safe enough doing it

Safety first! Where will you be having sex? At your place? At his? In a hotel? Do you plan to use protection? Are you on birth control?  

Wherever it is, you must ensure that you feel physically and emotionally comfortable in the space.

Talking of safety, do you feel safe with this guy?

  • Do you trust him not to harm you during and after sex?
  • If you changed your mind about having sex after arriving at your destination, would he respect your decision?
  • Who else knows where you are going or where you will be if something were to go wrong?

Take stock of what you know about the guy’s sexual history

What do you know about the guy’s health? Do you know whether he has any STIs? Is he having sex with other women?

No matter how much of a connection you have with a man, it is just irresponsible to not know his status before engaging in sex.

Be prepared for a potential one night stand

You should not take sharing your body with a man lightly. As such, you must be comfortable with the possibility that the sex will be just that -sex. You should not have any unrealistic expectations to avoid getting hurt.

So, to have or not to have?

Whether to sleep with a guy within a few hours of meeting him, the choice is yours. However, one thing remains true: the purpose of having sex is paramount in the making of this decision.

If you want a long term relationship, do not give it up too quickly. The delay will help you to grow the connection, and the sex will further strengthen your bond.

Also, bear in mind that many men have eliminated a girl from a potential relationship because she was ‘loose.’ But, it would be hard to find a man who ever dismissed a woman as a potential long-term partner because she didn’t have sex on the first date.