BREAK UPS ARE emotionally draining. It's common to have many conflicting feelings.
In fact, everything can get so emotional that you may not know how to separate the logical part of your brain from the emotional part.
While some say that exes are exes for a reason, some people believe that the best person for you is the one that knows all your flaws.
So who is right in your circumstance?
There are two types of Exes: The one you hope never to see or speak to again; and the one whose number you have still saved in your phone’s contacts.
Is it a good idea to get back with your Ex?
Never say never. Sometimes, a little space is all you need to rejuvenate your relationship.
The essential thing is to go back into the relationship with your eyes wide open. For instance, you should not ignore previous problems and hope that everything will work out wonderfully the second time around.
If you are thinking of reuniting with your Ex-boyfriend, ask yourself the following questions.
1. Why did the two of you break up?
This is an important question that forces you to reflect on your previous relationship.
What was the common source of conflict? Was it because of:
- One-off situation, like going out of state?
- Serious but not critical like a personal crisis?
- Critical like infidelity or abuse? You see, some of these issues are reconcilable, but others are huge deal breakers.
This question is critical because, unless you had initially broken up for a trivial reason, there was a deep-rooted cause that derailed the relationship the first time.
If you want to realize a different outcome, something must change, or history will end up repeating itself. This might actually be the only question that you need to ask to gain clarity.
2. Why do you want to get back together?
Yeah, why do you really want to get back together? Has the time apart made you realize that you are still in love your ex-boyfriend and that your relationship only lacked commitment, which you are keen to provide the second time around?
This is definitely a good reason to want your ex-boyfriend back.
But what if you only long for a romantic connection, or you want to fill the void? Or you fear that no one else will love you?
These are the wrong reasons for wanting to reconnect with your ex-boyfriend. If you reconnect with your ex-boyfriend, you must ensure that it is entirely for the right reasons.
3. What makes this second time different?
Why do you believe that the relationship will work this time around?
Have you grown since you called off the relationship? When you look at your, ex-boyfriend, does it seem like he has put effort into improving himself?
If things are the same, then you can be sure that you will be headed for the same outcome.
4. Can you truly forgive each other?
To build a successful relationship this time around, you will have to forgive and forget certain situations.
If you still resent your ex-boyfriend and you cannot forget the past hurts, you cannot build a new future. Reflect on the past relationship and if you cannot forgive and move on it will not be wise to get back together.
When YOU SHOULD get back with your ex-boyfriend
Sometimes, you may have a legitimate reason for getting back together with your Ex-boyfriend. In fact, you should not reunite with your boyfriend unless you have a valid reason.
Let’s define legitimate
As much as each situation is unique, the following guidelines will help you to determine whether your reasons for getting back together are valid:
The breakup was a rash decision
You may have broken up for impulsive reasons. The two of you were happy most of the time you were together.
This means that the reason for breaking up did not span throughout the relationship. There is no perfect relationship, but imagine a situation where you got along well throughout the relationship, but had a huge fight and broke up. In such a case, it is worth trying the relationship again.
If your relationship ended because of a single experience, then you have a legitimate reason to want to try again.
You see potential in the relationship
You must be sure that you are not setting yourself up for failure. Do not embark on getting together just because you are obsessing over your ex-boyfriend.
Has your communication been great even during the breakup? Have you maintained respect for each other? Then, it is worth giving the relationship another attempt.
There is genuine remorse by both of you
Saying ‘sorry’ is not enough. For the relationship to succeed, the two of you must express heartfelt regret for the hurt that you previously caused each other.
The two of you must also take ownership of your actions together with their impacts even if the pain was not caused intentionally. Lastly, the two of you must be willing to make amends to repair the damage that you have created to avoid falling into old patterns.
You have a plan of action
Putting a plan of action in place is the most critical step in mending your relationship. Many couples skip this step and imagine that a single conversation is enough to fix their relationship. Without a plan in place, the likelihood is that you will set yourselves up for failure.
You especially need a plan if the relationship was plagued by severe issues: Abuse, addiction, cheating…. These are not things that the two of you can apologize for and move on. There must be a strategy in place to deal with them satisfactorily.
So, should you get back together?
If you are convinced that you should give your relationship a second chance, then go for it.
However, Start slow
Reach out to your ex-boyfriend and see if he is willing to meet you and have a conversation. Spend some time with him and determine whether you connect like you used to. You may discover that contrary to what you thought, your story together is just beginning.
Work out a mode of addressing past issues
Do not get stuck in the past. Do not spend your time revisiting every painful trauma from your previous relationship. Identify the issues that were deal breakers, commit to working on them for a time and then move forward.