EXPERT ADVICE: Should you have Sex on the First Date?

Should you have Sex on the First Date - Silhouette of couple on the beach

HE IS HOT, AND the sexual energy cannot be denied. Everything is going well. The dinner is fantastic, and you haven’t had such a lovely conversation for a long time. He smiles, leans forward, and in the sexiest voice whispers:

Your place or mine?

You panic and freeze. Should you have sex with him?

Will he still respect you if you agree to have sex with him on the first date, or will he relegate you to booty call zone? What if you turn him down? Will he think that you are stuck up and uninteresting?

The Dilemma

There is a lot to think about when deciding whether to have sex on the first date or not.

For instance, if the sex isn’t awesome right off the bat, it could be a deal breaker. Unfortunately, you can’t always be sure that first date sex will be phenomenal because a lot of pressure accompanies it. Also, some women may fear to scare off guys by appearing to be too sexually aggressive.

On the other hand, there is always the chance that if a woman doesn’t ooze sexuality, the man will not ask for a second date.

We may not give you a definitive answer in this article as to whether you should be intimate on the first date or not since every situation is unique. However, we will give you sound arguments for both opinions so that you can make an informed decision.

The Debate:

CAMP NO: Why you should not have sex on your first date

As much as the traditional rules of dating and sex have changed, there are still many reasons why having sex on the first date is probably not a wise idea.

You will be sleeping with a perfect stranger

Firstly, you have obviously spent very little time with this guy, and you, therefore, do not know much about him. There are inherent risks that come with sleeping with a man that you just met.  Also, in all likelihood, you have not discussed protection and STIs. So, how will you ensure that you are safe?

Again, you probably haven’t had any meaningful conversation regarding sex and boundaries. Do you know whether you can trust the man to treat you respectfully? Are you comfortable enough with him to be assertive and communicate your pleasure and displeasure during sex?

Guys believe that there is something special about women who make them wait

An interview with guys indicated that men are still pleasantly surprised by a woman who makes them wait. It is the nature of a man: the harder a girl is willing to make him work for it, the more he is attracted to her.

Indeed, some guys indicated that when a woman made the man wait to have sex, it made them realize that they wanted to wait for it too despite their original plans. Other guys indicated that it is refreshing to meet a woman who didn’t want to give it up all at once, leaving them with something to look forward to.

The anxiety of the first date sex

Sex therapists say that first date sex comes with untold anxiety. If you are not interested in a relationship with the guy, you will be wondering how to extricate yourself in case he wants to see you again.

On the other hand, if you are hoping for a relationship, you will be worrying that you have given the wrong impression. Maybe the guy will think that you are easy and that you do it with other guys all the time. Sometimes, even though the chemistry is there, it makes much more sense to wait. After all, the chemistry will be there on the second, and the third, and the fourth date.

Sex clouds your judgment

Celebrity match maker, Alessandra Conti, says that sex on the first date is even more disadvantageous for women. When you have sex, your body is flooded by oxytocin which makes you want to bond with and trust the man. This makes your judgment significantly impaired.

As a result, you are more likely to let things slide and overlook the deal breakers if the relationship progresses. Sex therapists warn that sexual chemistry is not always the best guide when one is searching for a long term commitment.

Also, because of the hormones that you release during sex, potential ghosting becomes much more painful. Being ghosted by a guy is painful even when you have not slept with him. However, the difference is that you are now chemically and emotionally bonded to him, and it will make it twice as hard to get over him.

CAMP YES: Why sex on the first date is not a deal breaker

The stigma surrounding sex on the first date has changed significantly. Consider the following statistics:

A survey conducted by OkCupid revealed that 46% of users would comfortably have sex on the first date.

A 2013 research by Cosmopolitan revealed that 67 percent of the men said that they would totally have sex on the first date and that they would not think any less about a woman who has sex on the first date.

Yet, another study by Singles in America revealed that men are three times more likely to use a one night stand to form a relationship. The same survey revealed that 25 percent of the respondents had turned a one night stand into a relationship. Indeed, many of the respondents indicated that sleeping together on the first date helps them to determine whether there is a connection between them and the woman.

Sex on the first date helps you know whether you have chemistry

Many times, it takes time to figure out whether you have a connection with a guy. But once in a while, you meet one, and you just know.

Some relationship experts believe that lusting after someone that you don’t know well can still be an excellent start to a long-lasting relationship. As such, it seems that first date sex has its place in the formation of romantic relationships. It eliminates the weirdness  

Once you sleep with a guy, you surpass the weird first date zone. At least you will have bonded to the level that you are comfortable seeing each other naked. From that point going forward, communication and subsequent hang out sessions can only be easier.

If you feel that the connection was real, there will be no beating around the bush about wanting to see him again. If on the other hand, none of you was looking for anything serious, you might have found good friends in each other. It is a win – win.

What to do if you want to have sex on the first date

If you have great chemistry with a guy, you should not have to deny yourself. However, to avoid the guilt, shame and regret that potentially accompanies the first date sex, you need to make your choice for the right reasons for you.

Have sex for the right reasons

Why do you want to have sex? Is it to explore your sexuality? Do you hope to assess your compatibility with the guy? Do you want to give/receive pleasure?

When you know the reason why you want to do it, you will be more realistic about the outcome. Having sex because you are under pressure to please the man or because you hope to convince him to get serious about you is wrong.

You should only have sex because you want to. And always remember that there is no guarantee that the sex will lead to anything more.

Think about where it will happen and whether you feel safe enough doing it

Safety first! Where will you be having sex? At your place? At his? In a hotel? Do you plan to use protection? Are you on birth control?  

Wherever it is, you must ensure that you feel physically and emotionally comfortable in the space.

Talking of safety, do you feel safe with this guy?

  • Do you trust him not to harm you during and after sex?
  • If you changed your mind about having sex after arriving at your destination, would he respect your decision?
  • Who else knows where you are going or where you will be if something were to go wrong?

Take stock of what you know about the guy’s sexual history

What do you know about the guy’s health? Do you know whether he has any STIs? Is he having sex with other women?

No matter how much of a connection you have with a man, it is just irresponsible to not know his status before engaging in sex.

Be prepared for a potential one night stand

You should not take sharing your body with a man lightly. As such, you must be comfortable with the possibility that the sex will be just that -sex. You should not have any unrealistic expectations to avoid getting hurt.

So, to have or not to have?

Whether to sleep with a guy within a few hours of meeting him, the choice is yours. However, one thing remains true: the purpose of having sex is paramount in the making of this decision.

If you want a long term relationship, do not give it up too quickly. The delay will help you to grow the connection, and the sex will further strengthen your bond.

Also, bear in mind that many men have eliminated a girl from a potential relationship because she was ‘loose.’ But, it would be hard to find a man who ever dismissed a woman as a potential long-term partner because she didn’t have sex on the first date.

What Makes a Good Man – The 7 Question Checklist to Determine if He’s Worth Dating

What makes a good man - woman looking at man on date

What makes a good man - woman looking at man on date

HE SEEMS LIKE A GREAT CATCH…. but how can you be sure?

In a study, when asked what is preventing them from meeting the right man, 38% percent of women agreed that they have no time, while 28% indicated that there are no good places to meet. A whopping 28% of the women said that all the good ones are taken.

28 %!

That means one out of four of your single friends has given up on men. Their reason, ‘there aren’t any good men available anymore.’

I wasn’t surprised that some women think that there aren’t any good men around, but not 1 in 4. This is a large proportion of women are starting to give up on the notion of ‘growing old with someone’, or even starting a (nuclear) family.

But, why are good men hard to find?

Western culture has evolved in ways that have made finding a good man tough. Over the past few decades, the traditional relationship set up has broken down. Previously, men needed access to sex while women lacked access to resources.

The man knew that he could not get sex if he did not have resources and was not ready to commit to a woman. So the system was set up for him to work hard, be responsible and then he could choose a woman and commit to her. This setup was a grand bargain that worked for both sides.

However, the reality of today is that sex is cheap. With the thriving online dating sites and mass production of high-quality pornography, men have easy access to countless willing sex partners.

Today’s man can have all the sex he wants at minimal cost. This has, in turn, turned many men into louts because they do not have to prove themselves as providers anymore.

But just because our culture has changed doesn’t mean there aren’t good men around.

What makes a good man – 7 questions to answer

The following are a few essentials of a quality man, capable of commitment. They will help you determine what to look for in a guy.

1. What is his level of maturity?

You will be able to quickly determine a guy’s emotional maturity by observing how he reacts to situations and how he treats the people around him. In a restaurant, for instance, when they take a bit longer to get to your table, how does he react? Does he take it in his stride or does he lose his temper? Does he shout at the server when an order gets mixed up?

Even if he is on his best behavior, it is hard for him to hide long-standing habits. Watch him keenly enough, and you will be able to determine whether you are on the right path.

What makes a good man - Couple hugging while woman looks at camera

2. Does he have a purpose?

Experts say that men derive a huge chunk of their identity from their dreams. If a man is creating and working towards something that is bigger than himself, he is likely to be more satisfied, and as a result, he can be a better partner.

3. Who are his friends?

Experts say that a majority of guys who get married had a friend who got married within the last year. You can learn much about a guy by who he spends his time with. Are his friends mature? Do they share your values? Does he maintain friendships?

4. Is he available?

Experts say that many men are hardly available because they overlap their relationships. ‘Single' does not always mean available. If he is holding ties with his ex, or he is consumed with work that he has no room for someone else, he will eventually hurt you because he is not ready for a long-term relationship.

5. Is he is direct?

Many guys think that if they have this ‘whatever’ attitude, women will suddenly fall in love with them. A relationship with a guy who plays games will only end in tears. A quality man should be able to look straight into your eyes and express himself. Anything less than that and he is weak. You should not settle for weak.

6. Is he kind?

Men who are ready for relationships tend to be passed a few different phases of their life. Most notably their ‘fun and adventure phase’, their ‘get paid’ phase. Kindness comes after this. It demonstrates that his life isn’t all about him. Which is important when it comes to starting a family.

7. Is he honest?

Men don’t always do the right thing, or know what the right thing is. But as long as he is honest about it, you can deal with it. If he is hiding something, it can ruin trust and it can have an impact on his life and the peoples around him. Him being honest, is very important.

So are there any good men left?

Finding that man who is a combination of best friend, lover, and partner is just about the hardest thing in the world. Many women want to cut the chase and find a great guy.

Unfortunately, the quest for a good man takes a lot of effort: planning and prospecting. The reward is never immediate, but if you are consistent, you will meet a fantastic guy worthy of your affection.

Thanks for reading this guide on what makes a good man.

Want to find a good man? Here are a few, ‘old-fashioned' places you can find where to find a good man

How to Date a Successful Man and Keep Him Chasing You

How to date a successful guy - tips and techniques to help you when dating a high performer

How to date a successful man - tips and techniques to help you when dating a high performer

SUCCESSFUL MEN ARE INTELLIGENT AND SELF-DRIVEN

They are also highly skilled at what they do, which is why they excel. They are not intimidated by challenges; indeed, he thrives in the face of challenges. They are also not afraid of hard work and putting in the long hours. They are focused, confident and charismatic.

So what woman wouldn’t want to be with this kind of a man…?

The stakes are high

However, high-quality men come with high stakes. There will be some unique challenges and compromises when you are dating a successful man.

Time: Success comes with a hectic life. A successful man barely has time for you. You may have to put up with his long hours at work, unanswered phone calls, and unreplied text messages. You may also have to put up with canceled dinners and business calls during your time together.

His ego: You are dating a man who has achieved certain accomplishments; probably many of them. This man is fearless, and he may be a tad ‘over-confident’, even intimidating.

Friends and social interactions differences: This man you have chosen has friends and colleagues who are probably highly educated or extremely wealthy. His taste, style, and social life are incredibly refined. You must, therefore, educate yourself on how to look and act around his friends and colleagues, because you cannot afford to embarrass yourself and him in front of his associates.

Pleasing him might be a tall order: It might be really challenging to treat him because he has everything he wants. So giving him gifts and surprises might be a problem. You must learn to be creative and come up with gifts that are thoughtful.

The power struggle: When your partner brings in more money than you can ever hope to have, it creates an unequal relationship. You will have to learn to live with the higher degree of financial power that he yields.

The suspicion: You may not be able to avoid the label of ‘gold digger’ by society. In particular his friends, family and work colleagues.

Security: You will have to deal with women who will always be competing for his attention.

On the other hand, dating a successful guy is quite advantageous. You will not have to struggle with financial burdens that many couples are grappling with. Indeed, you will live a life of luxuries and glamour. A successful guy is also likely to encourage you to achieve your own dreams. His connections will also be of great value for you in the pursuit of the things that you have always wanted to achieve.

Dating a powerful man successfully

If you have set your eyes on an attractive man, here is how to cultivate a happy and healthy relationship.

Ensure you are in the relationship for the right reasons.

Some women want a successful man in the assumption that money will make them happy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like we have pointed out earlier, dating a successful guy comes with its fair share of challenges. And these are in addition to the problems that you could face in a regular relationship. If your motivation is purely money, you will soon be frustrated, and you will not last in that relationship.

Are you genuinely attracted to this guy? Does he bring out the best in you? Has he demonstrated the need for your affection and support?

Your physical appearance.

As vain as this may sound, it is critical that you keep yourself looking your best. There are some things that you can do to keep yourself looking good: eat healthily and maintain a regular workout regime. Also treat yourself well and manage stress.

When you are going out with his friends, take special care to look sexy and sophisticated. Be someone your man can be proud of.

Do not have sex with him right away.

Although this goes for any relationship, it is even more important when you are dating a successful man. In all likelihood, he gets it thrown at him from every angle all the time. Do not be that girl. If you want something different; something special with this man, you must do things differently.

You want to gain his respect and build a stable, serious, and committed relationship. Get to know him first and enjoy his company. Maintain your grace until you find the relationship is getting serious and monogamous.

How to date a successful man - following your own dreams and goals will make him respect you more

Be your own person

Do not give up on your dreams. Do not change your life for him, because you will then soon resent him. If your job demands that you travel for three months a year, continue to do it until such a time when the relationship has moved to another level.

After he has dated you for some time and the mystery is gone, there must be something to keep him interested. The thing that will keep you irresistible to a powerful man is how stable and independent you are. Let him see you improving yourself all the time: taking a class, attending an entrepreneurs meet up. He will respect you for it. (Especially in a way that he seems as important)

Your guy has to know that you would not fall apart if he were not around you. This will keep the freshness in your relationship going for a long time.

Have your own support system.

Your partner has not excelled without having a busy work schedule. You have to cope with this side of him because this is who he is. Do not go into his life expecting to change his work-life balance because you will be greatly disappointed.

Do not be needy. Create your own support system that you can fall back on whenever he is super busy. Your man cannot be the center of your universe because, well, he is not available in the first place.

Have your other outlets: friends and hobbies. When you are dating a successful man, your friends are essential.

Successful guys actually prefer a woman who has a full life as well. And this makes a strong relationship. Do not lose your identity by completely attaching it to him.

You must display emotional maturity.

You will need loads of emotional maturity to make something out of a relationship with a successful man:

  • There are times when your partner will not be a joy to be around: when he is closing deals and averting possible disasters.
  • He may work long hours and even when he is with you, you might not have any meaningful conversations.
  • You will come across information in the media about your partner from time to time. You must have the ability to sift facts from rumors.
  • You might have to deal with increased scrutiny into your lives.
  • There are times when your partners past romantic dalliances will be brandished in the press. Indeed you might find yourself being constantly compared to a string of exes and probably not to a favorable outcome.

These situations and more require you to have emotional strength.

Final thoughts:

Be confident in your own skin and do not change who you are. Remember, he chose you above all other women. Never pressure yourself to act in a certain way to impress your successful guy. Your feminine charm is enough because you bring out his masculine side. He will be drawn in by your confidence and worthiness.

Contribute to the relationship as much as he does: bearing in mind that there are more important things than money. The joy, laughter, comfort, and order you bring into the relationship is invaluable. Never forget that and never feel inferior to him.

Thanks for reading my article on how to date a successful man. If you want the latest from AYDG then sign up for the newsletter.

“The Apps Don’t Work” – 7 Old-Fashioned Ways How To Find A Date Offline

The apps dont work - old fashioned ways to find a date offline

The apps dont work - old fashioned ways to find a date offline

YOU'VE TRIED ALL THE apps. The new ones and the popular ones. You’ve tried the older style websites and even the specialist niche websites…

And you're still single…

Maybe it’s time to consider some technology-free options. So in that vein, here are 7 old-fashioned ways how to find a date offline, and meet that someone special

Volunteering

Volunteering is fantastic in more ways than one:

  • You are giving back. Immense satisfaction comes with giving back to the community
  • You enjoy the company of like-minded individuals.
  • Volunteering allows you to meet your partner in the noblest way.
  • You have the privilege to know your partner quickly and in the most natural state: no dating games.

Volunteering places you on the path of people who have the same values, spirit, and mindset as your own. When you connect with a potential partner through volunteering, you start out knowing that the two of you have some values in common and a load of similar experiences to look back on.

In 2013, Voluntary Service Overseas (VSO) realized that a number of their volunteers had fallen in love while volunteering abroad. During Valentine’s Day, the organization made this the theme of their message. They encouraged single people to volunteer, telling them that on top of helping a community to fight poverty, they could possibly find love.

So get out there and find something that you would love to do to give back to the society, volunteer and possibly fall in love.

Go to places of worship and weddings

You may not even be religious for all you know, but that’s beside the point. Places of worship and weddings are a great place to find potential partners. The sense of familiarity that comes with the church and related ceremonies means that a lot of barriers are already broken. As such, even complete strangers have a sense of familiarity with them.

When you see a man that you are attracted to, you will have the confidence to approach him. Being in a familiar territory also encourages the guys to approach.

Tip: Try to sit somewhere visible where there is some space for a single guy to sit next to. Also, make a rule to sit next to the first single guy you see; and guess what, you might just change your life.

Take hobbies that get you interacting with people

The best partner is the one who shares your lifestyle and your preference in how you spend your time and money. Making time for your hobbies allows you to connect with like-minded people. Challenge yourself to invest in your social calendar.

Having shared interests is a great strength in any long-term relationship: take up salsa dancing, attend vintage car rallies or go to cheer your favorite team. You will be off to a good start if you meet a guy doing something you love. Your shared interest gives you a ready topic of conversation to get things going.

People at a party - how to find a date offline

Attend your friends' parties

Meeting a guy through your friends can be a real bonus: You have something in – common – the mutual friend and your friend can vouch for his character. According to research conducted by Mic in 2015, more 18 – 24 years old met their current partners through mutual friends than through any other means.

Meeting a potential partner through a friend is reassuring because you can trust your friend’s judgment.

Having a friend’s stamp of approval of a partner is not only helpful in making the initial connection; it is also important once the relationship gets going. Research shows that people who meet through friends feel more supported in their relationships.

Woman having a good time at a party - image for how to find a date offline

Sit at the bar

You probably already spend a good bit of time out at bars and clubs socializing. But, if you are more intentional, your visit to the bar can be extra productive, and you could meet someone special.

  • Do not visit just any club. Choose a place that puts time, effort and thought into the establishment. This is the kind of place where you are likely to meet thoughtful, hardworking guys who value themselves.
  • Sit at the bar if you can. The bar is the point of focus in the room, and it is much more inviting than the individual tables. Even the most confident man will hesitate before approaching a woman seated at a table. The bar will encourage a guy to approach and start a natural conversation.
  • If you are a regular at a club, befriend the bartender. The girls and guys behind the bar know everything. They would be a perfect source of intel on potential guys. They could not only point you in the right direction but also steer you away from harm’s way.

Alumni events

Alumni events are great for meeting great guys. An alumni event is designed around talking to others and exchanging information. It is, therefore, an easy way to make a connection that could turn into a long-lasting school romance.

Whether it is the graduate school, college or high school, or even the elementary school, an alumni event is a non-stressful way to meet a quality man. Why? The guys at these events already share with you a fundamental commonality and connection.

Whichever guy you bump into, you already have some insight about him. Also, you may know some of the same people, which will help to increase the bond that the two of you share.

Church functions

You may not be religious, but places of worship are a great place to meet great guys. However, you have to be strategic about your sitting position. Try to sit somewhere visible where a single guy can sit next to or near you. In fact, why don’t you sit next to the first single guy that you see? You might just make his day.

Weddings are also significant potential functions to meet great guys. If you know the bride or groom separately, you are able to meet an entirely new network of the couple’s friends. The fact that they were invited to the wedding in the first place means that they are quality guys.

Final thoughts

Finding the right guy is not the end. More work will go into building a great relationship. Consider the following tips for building a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

  • Be mindful of the law of attraction. You use the law of attraction in your love life all the time; whether you are aware of it or not. Question is, what are you attracting?

You can attract love, companionship, and joy or you can attract loneliness. Desperation and complaining; ‘I am single and lonely, and it seems there is no one out there for me’ will frustrate all your good efforts to find a great relationship.

How many desperate people have you seen in great relationships?

  • Seek for partnership, not just romance. It is exciting to have a guy who sweeps you off your feet. However, finding a partner who likes to give and take, who seeks your opinion and considers it, is even a greater blessing.

Instant sexual attraction often fades: Most good love is a slow burn.

  • When you meet someone, do not hurry things along. When you connect with a guy, allow that connection to grow. Do not play games, apply seduction techniques or manipulate the man.
  • Date smart: watch out for the red flags. Red flags indicate that the relationship will not grow into a healthy, long-lasting love. Pay close attention to the guy and trust your instincts. If you ever feel undervalued, insecure or ashamed, it is probably a good idea to reevaluate the relationship.
    • Is the guy alcohol dependent?
    • Is he having trouble honoring his commitments?
    • Is he excessively jealous about your other interests?
    • Is the relationship exclusively sexual?

Lastly:

Invest in yourself. Even if you find a great guy, you will not have a great relationship if there are some parts of you missing. You do not need to be with someone to feel content. You must be whole by yourself.

Do not look for someone to heal you from your insecurities; what you need is to heal from your insecurities so that you can find someone.

Thanks for reading my guide on how to find a date offline. If you have any questions or queries, then contact me here